 These past few weeks I have been blogging about abuse: abusive relationships, child abuse, abuse of males and females, etc. It’s interesting how this theme keeps coming up for me at the moment. I stated in an earlier blog post that I realised I had been in an abusive relationship, albeit an emotionally abusive one and not physical, but an abusive relationship all the same.
Then, there is my novel “The Soul Bearers”, which centers around the theme of child abuse, among other things. One of the main characters is trying to overcome her childhood memories of abuse and at the same time dealing with panic and her fear of men; but she gets support from the gay couple she shares a house with, and at the same time she and her housemates grow and evolve into stronger people due to the obstacles they must all overcome.
I guess in the face of adversity we either sink or swim. We all know what Nietzche said: “What doesn’t destroy me makes me stronger.” And after more than 8 years of overcoming some very tough obstacles (three deaths in the family, a long illness, a cheating and emotionally abusive husband, and financial difficulties), I am happy to say that this is ever so true. I am so much stronger these days, and my view of what is and isn’t important in life has changed very much. I guess this is why I no longer worry about the pettiness and triviality of some people and life in general.
So continuing along the same theme of abuse and Nietzche’s famous quote, there is one thing that really gets to me above all else, and this is the issue of animal abuse. There are two things that stir my heart with the desire for vengeance -- and no, it’s not a cheating ex-husband anymore -- it is the evil in those people who abuse the helpless -- children and animals.
On that note, I would like to introduce author Jeffrey R. Crimmel and his book“Centavo”. In this novel, Jeffrey explores the story of a female dog who has come up against obstacles that she has learned to overcome and learn from. Once again, we go back to Nietzche’s quote of “What doesn’t destroy me makes me stronger.” I think this applies not only to humans but also to our furry friends.
Not only this, but Jeffrey is working on a very worthy cause and he has my every support!
Here is what Jeffrey has to say about Centavo:
Centavo is a street dog born in Mexico, near the Sea of Cortez. Being a street dog is one thing but being one in a third world country is quite another. Centavo has to learn survival skills from her mother, dog friends, and from trial and error. The life of a dog on the streets is difficult, to say the least, but one day Centavo's life enters another phase completely alien to her.
Two American gringos from Arizona see Centavo and ask if anyone owns her. The locals know she is a street dog and say no. So begins the transition in the life of this dog from the beach of San Felipe into becoming an American dog. Two meals a day, someone to pet and love her, and another dog and a cat
to live with make up her life as she transitions into becoming Penny, her new name, a dog living in America.
The story is centered on the message for the need for spay and neutering clinics in third world countries and in developed countries as well. Part of the profits go to continuing the clinic in San Felipe, Mexico, or any clinic that the buyer of the book directs me to send the money. Awareness of this need is essential and ongoing.
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 It seems to me that this past year has turned out to be “the year
of abuse” because this is when I realised that I had been in an abusive relationship. Ironically, I came across many people who shared their own stories of abuse -- mainly about abusive relationships -- and then I started to notice that a lot of my posts talked about abuse, especially my last two posts. So something that was working at a subconscious level was trying to push it's way into the light.
I want to draw your attention, however, to my last post, where I
explored the question of whether people would think less of a woman than of a man if she spoke out about abuse. Up to that point, I believed that this was so.
Having experienced all sorts of negative reactions from certain people when I related my story to them (especially men); I became convinced that if a man talked of his story of abuse, people would listen more closely. They would take notice! But now I find this is not true; and it took one man to disprove my belief.
My guest today is author Jan L. Frayne, and he speaks out about his own harrowing story of abuse; and though he’s a man, he has also encountered the selfish, the self-centered, the frightened, the biased, or simply the ignorant type of people who wouldn’t know “empathy” even if they bumped into it.
Over to Jan now! And thank you, Jan, for speaking out and sharing your story with the rest of the world.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ACCOUNT MAY UPSET SOME READERS.
 I am a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse and "torture". I was also sexually assaulted at the age of seventeen. I have deep emotions; I cry when I see beauty and pain in the world. I am a man, yet I don't fit in with what is perceived by the majority as "masculine".
That used to really bother me. I felt different from other men I knew. I was not a good mixer as a child, and had no positive male role model to look up to. When puberty struck, my new hair was removed by the abusers. Stress-induced alopecia in my late teens, combined with having my pubic hair pulled out, left me with a mostly hairless body; and with what hair was left to me, it was patchy. I felt "less of a man" for so many reasons. During therapy at the age of nineteen, I remember asking for male hormone replacement treatment in the hope it would force more body hair and "make me a man"... I was refused. Society’s expectations can cause a great deal of damage. I liked the gentle, peaceful things. I enjoyed gardening and cooking. I loved to read. I wrote poetry. I was used to taunts of "Queer!" or "Gay Boy!" So much so, that combined with the emotional and physical scars of the abuse, I was totally confused about my sexuality.
I have always known that I was abused, but I did not remember the full details until a year ago. When I mentioned what I did remember, I would get skeptical looks, and I lost some friendships. The loss was theirs, not mine. I told my sister when I was sixteen. She called me a twisted liar. I told a therapist during a hospital stay two years later and was told I must have enjoyed the experiences. Society expects men to be strong and silent. Put up, shut up, and get on with life... The stigma surrounding male survivors is very damaging. Millions of men are the silent victims of childhood abuse. The side effects of abuse can be very damaging and crippling if left to fester. Some obviously cope better than others. Suicide rates are higher in abuse victims. The support needed by victims is simply not available in so many cases.
Unless we can remove the stigma, shatter damaging stereotypes, and stop the prejudice, society will
continue to walk past those living in the shadows who are unable or afraid to step into the light and seek and be given the sympathetic, life affirming, healing support they so need.
I care about people, sometimes more than is good for me. I am prone to putting what is in my best interest aside should that have a negative impact on those around me. I have learnt to protect my personal boundaries better than I used to; and I am no longer the doormat I was in my twenties and early thirties. I don't have all the answers. I am not a doctor or therapist. I'm "Beyond Survivor"; a man that has, and always will, walk the road to healing. I hope that by sharing my experience I can help enlighten society and also be a guide to some of the shattered souls whose lives were ripped apart by abuse.
We live in a social media world with superb communication that crosses continents in milliseconds. There has never been a better time to reach out and touch millions of minds, to educate and to show
there is no shame or blame attached to being a victim of sexual abuse. Whilst the Internet has given
pedophiles a bigger audience, it is a known fact that there are many more victims than perpetrators out there. It's time to turn the tables and take the power away from the abusers. Survivors United, male and female, we can, and we will, make a difference!
If you would like to connect with Jan or his book, you can find him at these links:
Blog
Amazon UK Amazon USFacebook
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 I don't about you, but I believe that when a woman talks about abuse (especially in a relationship) or how her spouse/partner cheated on her or left her for a younger woman or didn't support her during an illness, or whatever the case may be, this woman tends to be labelled as "a woman scorned" or a "vindictive bitch" or some such name, and then she's told to "get over it". This kind of reaction, however, tends to be different when a man talks about it, although not many do. Perhaps it's the good, old social conditioning that comes from "little boys don't cry", and not the fact that they are any stronger emotionally than women. Who knows.
But why is it that women get labelled? Do you think the woman is making it up in order to gain sympathy or because she's truly vindictive and wants the whole world to know that her ex is (pardon the expression) an asshole? And do you stop to imagine yourself in her shoes, and actually apply that very little-used emotion called empathy or do your eyes glaze over and you space out?
I speak from personal experience when I see people switching off from someone who has been abused or cheated on or dumped; and men tend to switch off a lot more often. Why do you think this is? And would you agree that it's mostly men rather than women who exhibit this behaviour, or do you think it's a bit of both? I guess your own personal experience will be a big factor here.
I believe it is fear that makes people turn away. Fear of being confronted by something that isn't pleasant; and a lot of men hate confrontation, especially the emotional kind. I find that only people who have suffered themselves will be more caring and compassionate when they meet someone who is suffering. I believe that men turn away more than women do because they feel they must mask their fear; having said this, I have come across some wonderful men who've actually showed empathy. So don't get me wrong, I am not man-bashing. I am simply interested in the dynamics of it all.
The other thing I discovered is that men tend to label women more readily, even when they were the ones who committed adultery or the abuse of another. This is simply a case of justifying their actions and/or guilt.
What is your opinion? And when you come across someone who is suffering in some way (whether you're a man or a woman), do you stop and empathise with them? Do you listen? Do you care, even a little? Do you hurt along with them? Or do you run a million miles in the opposite direction hoping you'll find cover?
You know, it's not what we say to someone when they hurt; it's what we do (and often what we don't do) that truly identifies those of us who are empathetic beings and those who are selfish, self-centered and have a lot to learn.
Oh, and for those who do not know the meaning of the word "empathetic" (like my ex), here is a definition: Someone who is empathetic has the ability to share another person's feelings or emotions as if they were their own. Ouch! Now I wonder if I'm going to be labelled as a bitch :-)
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 My guest author today is Joanna V. Hunter, and her book “But He’ll Change”. Joanna is the last of my featured authors from my now-discontinued blog-show, The Lit Chick Show.
When I started preparing this last Lit Chick Show blog post, I thought I was going to be featuring another author of fiction. Therefore, it was not only surprising but fitting for me that as I came to the end of my list of authors to feature, I should come across the eye-opening message Joanna conveys in her interview. A message that rocked my world. I had
been living with abuse but didn’t know it!
Joanna explores the dynamics of domestic abuse, violence awareness, and the damage this wreaks on the innocent, loving women who think that “he’ll change”. This is a book that I have added to my reading list.
Before you watch the video with Joanna, I want to share some points from my own experience. You see, abuse doesn’t have to be physical--it can be emotional; as was the case in my own marriage. The scary part was that it never, ever, occurred to me that I was the victim of abuse.
I am a strong person with an assertive outlook, and yet I was in a relationship with a man (I use the term “man” very loosely here) who took away my confidence, self-esteem, and trust in life. I am now discovering that I actually made excuses to justify his behaviour toward me, and I simply came to
accept his treatment of me as “the norm”.
Some of you know my story with the evil ex (as I call him), and others will only have had snippets of my life with this person. The enormity of my situation became clear when I realised that I had lived for seven years with a huge lie. My whole life was a lie with this man; and in the process, I lost myself. I felt abandoned, full of fear, battling with low self-esteem, anxiety and the feeling that I simply wanted to cease to exist.
I managed to get through what is now almost three years or more of emotional abuse and manipulation at the hands of a very sick individual. I never saw it coming in the beginning, as he masqueraded as the most wonderful and supportive of husbands. But when I needed him most, after the death of my mother, and later through my own long-standing illness, he became someone else. He didn’t support me, he abused me emotionally because I was too ill to work, and because I needed to be comforted; and he just didn’t give a damn. He told me to my face that he was fed up with my need of him, and that he refused to put up with my fears about my illness and my condition.
At this point, I seriously considered suicide. I felt abandoned, belittled, unsupported and betrayed by the one I thought would love me till “death us do part”. But the biggest shock came when he finally told me he “had to find himself, as he felt depressed”; and less than two weeks later, he dumped me for another woman. It took me over a year to realise that I had been the victim of abuse, and Joanna’s video confirmed this for me.
So why did I stay with him for so long? Was it fear of loneliness? Was it the fact that he told me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me? (He was still making plans for our lives right up until a few days prior to our breakup)! So after watching Joanna’s video, it sunk in that I really had been the victim of abuse. Only, I didn’t realise it because we normally tend to associate domestic abuse with threats of violence and beatings.
I think Joanna’s message is a very important one. One that all women should be aware of. One that will help us realise that “he’ll never change”. One that will help us move on before it’s too late. In short, one that could save our lives.
I’d like to thank Joanna for sharing her wisdom with us all. She is obviously a woman of substance and courage, and I know you will agree with me.
 For more information on Joanna and her book, you can visit her blog or simply connect with her on Facebook or on Twitter @hunterjv.
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 Well, at least for me, one of my greatest fears is the dreaded review, especially when I write in a new genre. Being a multi-genre author, I have always stuck to either contemporary fiction or chick lit. However, I must confess that I've always had a weakness for the smart-talking, wiseass type of characters I watch in film noir movies. You know what I mean, the down and out detective or investigative reporter, going great guns against all odds to dig up the truth. Meanwhile, he (yes, it's usually a "he") is battling with either a drinking problem, or maybe he smokes too much, or he just cannot have that sexy dame he finds wildly attractive and who is driving him to distraction.
My love of these types of movies have led me to write the first of a modern and contemporary mystery/suspense series with a female protagonist. Right from the start of the story she's got a chip on her shoulder about men, as she has been dumped by a cheating husband; she's got the hots for a younger man (she's 48 years old, by the way); she dislikes cops because she was prevented from joining the force by none other than a man; she's assertive, sassy and a real smartass with an attitude. She's very much like a film noir hero. But I'm digressing...
I set out to blog about an author's greatest fear -- the book review -- well, at least it is for me. What will people think of my work? Oh, the nerve-wracking drama of it all as I wait for my first review!
The interesting thing is that I don't fear so much the reviews from readers; although I want those readers to like my work and become fans of my novels. This aside, however, I just need to know that my peers think that my work is good enough. Yes, this is a sign of insecurity; plus, we are usually our own worst critics. Most actors suffer from it, even the really famous ones; artists feel the same way, and so do authors. Therefore, as soon as I finished writing my first mystery/suspense with my older female protagonist, Mia Ferrari, I sent a complimentary copy to one author who I consider to be at the top of her genre (mystery/suspense), and whom I esteem greatly. Her name, Darcia Helle. Then, while I waited for her to read my story, I prayed that she would like it.
I know Darcia is a straight shooter (pardon the pun) when it comes to reviews, and she won't gloss over them. If she likes the story, she'll say so and if not, she'll tell you why. So you can imagine my relief when she gave me a wonderful review. Okay, so I was happy that I wasn't shot down (again, pardon the pun) in flames by someone who has a lot more experience than me in this kind of genre.
The big surprise, however, came when I started to get reviews from other authors who purchased my work and read it. One of them was romance author, Gloria Antypowich, who posted a wonderful review of my novel on Amazon and on her blog. Then, there was Aussie author Charles Jackson, who also gave me a great review.
My novel has been purchased by many people, some of them leave reviews and some don't, but to me the biggest honour is when peers who read my work take the time from their busy schedules to leave a review. This says they truly liked my work, and nothing could be sweeter to me ... well, it would come close to that film option from George Clooney or Clint Eastwood! Hehehehehe.
So what's my point? Personally, as an author, I find it more scary to get reviewed by my peers than by the public in general. Don't ask me why, but there it is. That's not to say that the general public are not discerning enough when they review something they've read. Don't get me wrong; I've seen some fantastic reviews posted by readers of my and other authors' work. And whether the review is favourable or not, it doesn't matter. The feedback is what is important.
Still, it's little wonder that with all this anxiety about reviews authors are often driven to drink. LOL. Thankfully, I'm not a big drinker, so I am driven to cappuccinos and pizza, just like Mia Ferrari :-)
 Hello all, now that I've "downsized" on the amount of blogging I do, and after discontinuing The Lit Chick Show, I will be bringing guests on "Sylvia Says" from time to time.
These guests will not always be authors, but in this case, today's guest is a paranormal suspense author, A. J. Scudiere.
The interesting thing about this post is that although A. J. predominantly talks about her latest book release "God's Eye", she inadvertently gives us a wealth of information about the kind of media that she uses in order to promote her book. Aside from paperback and ebook formats, A. J. talks about her book being released as an audio-movie, and she also utilises a website called The Smart Chickens Team where readers can sample her books and experience a chapter of her new book in audio-movie format. Her site also offers special discounts, collector's items of her novels and much more.
I found A. J.'s video refreshing and very informative. So please watch the video and find out all about "God's Eye" and the many ways A. J. is creating exposure for her novel.
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 Okay all, Mia Ferrari has a lot to celebrate this month. First and foremost, her creator, multi-genre novelist, Sylvia Massara, has unleashed her smartass, wise-talking, older-chick, wannabe investigator protagonist out into the digital world of publishing earlier this month. To celebrate, Sylvia then took over as Mia's alter-ego and went off to our country's capital city, Canberra, to catch the Renaissance Exhibition that is out here for a limited time, all the way from Bergamo, Italy.
Mia Ferrari and friend, Marie Giovenco, both super-cool chicks (pictured right) went off on a propeller plane (of all things) and flew from Sydney to Canberra, just a 30-minute flight, to go back to their roots and see some hot paintings by some hot Renaissance artists (not stolen hot, but hot as in fantastic). Poor Marie (pictured to the left of Sylvia) wasn't sure whether to call her friend Sylvia or Mia. So she made the best of it and didn't call her by name; she simply enjoyed the day!
 In raptures over paintings from Raphael, Botticelli, Perugino, and others, the girls loved this one, painted by Giovanni Bellini, circa 1488. It felt so wonderful standing in front of something that was so perfect and which was painted some 524 years ago. With her love of Renaissance, both Sylvia and Mia were in raptures; and so was friend, Marie :-)
 And here is another to wet your appetite; this one by Lorenzo Lotto. Ah, la bella Italia ... What more can I say? We're all about talent, pasta, Vespas and Ferraris!
The day was great. The month was great, as Mia Ferrari was unleashed, but what was even greater was that Sylvia's novel had her first review by none other that the queen of mystery/suspense from Florida, author Darcia Helle.
Sylvia was terrified when she asked Darcia to be brutal, and this is what Darcia came back with:
"Mia Ferrari is a fun and adventurous woman in her late forties. In this first book in the series, she leads us through a tangled web as she plods along in her quest for answers.
I really enjoyed Mia's character, as well as her supporting cast. At times this book made me laugh. Other times I'd find myself nodding in understanding. The pace is quick, the mystery a bit of a whodunit that allows readers to figure things out along with Mia."
I immediately wrote back and told Darcia that getting this kind of review from her, an author I highly esteem, is like getting a blessing from the Pope. LOL. Thank God, we're not living in the Renaissance period now though; for if I'd said something like this in the 1500s I would have been burned at the stake for being a heretic!
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 I was watching First Wives Club last night and I thought that women just can't win when it comes to the "unfair sex", as I call men. For those of you who haven't seen the movie, the storyline is about three 40-something women who've helped their husbands in various ways while they were married; be that to build their business, their career, or bear their children; and then, when life should be sweet, these bastard men dump their wives for younger women.
I really love the part Goldie Hawn plays--she's a 45-year-old actress, begging her plastic surgeon to inject her lips with botox. The doctor tells her that she looks fantastic as she is, and that she should be happy being her age. Goldie replies: "There are three ages in Hollywood: 'Babe', 'District Attorney' and 'Driving Miss Daisy'; now, fill them up!" (She orders the doctor to inject her lips). Later, she's so depressed because she was asked to play the role of a mother in a movie, instead of that of the young protagonist, that she's at a bar getting drunk and talking to Maurice, the bartender. She says to him in tears: "They want me to play Monique's mother, Maurice. Let me ask you, is this the face of a mother?" The bartender says no, at least not his mother's. Then Goldie goes on: "Angela Lansbury is Monique's mother; Shelley Winters is Monique's mother; Sean Connery is Monique's mother..." At this point, Maurice becomes concerned and tells her he'll get her some coffee. But Goldie declines and replies: "No, forget that, Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend--he's 300 and still a stud!"
So what is the message here? That women in their prime (40s an 50s) are being dumped by men after they've been used up. After men have had children by their wives, or built their careers through them, or been introduced to all the right people and climbed their way to the top; suddenly, their wives become a drag. A man, even if he's as old as Sean Connery, has to be seen with a younger woman. Look at the film "Entrapment" where Sean Connery plays a master thief in his 60s, opposite a 30-something Catherine Zeta-Jones! I mean, come on! But this goes back to the days of old, so no wonder older modern women haven't got a chance.
Let's look at some old movies that have set us on the road to perdition. Sabrina--a 22-year-old Audrey Hepburn falling for a late 40s or early 50s Humphrey Bogart; Rebecca, a 20-something Joan Fontaine falling for a 40-something Laurence Olivier, and the list goes on!
But let us also look at real life in the old days of say, Jane Austen, and even hundreds of years prior to this. Young girls of 16, 17, and sometimes even younger, were married off to old guys in their 40s, 50s and beyond. Unfortunately, not much seems to have changed in this so-called age of liberated and independent women. We may not be forced to marry an old codger, but old codgers are still ending up with younger women--and they don't necessarily have to be rich or celebs either!
We may have won the right to vote, we may be breaking through the glass ceiling in the corporate world (though at a slow rate), but one thing we cannot change is this: as men grow older, they are called distinguished and no-one seems to bat an eyelid if he's sporting a 22-year-old on his arm. As women grow older, we are called hags, has-beens, used up, dried up, etc, etc, ad infinitum. And God forbid if we decided to go out with a younger man! Even Demi Moore lost her young beau (or so I heard).
Unfortunately, this is the way in modern society, and I don't think it's going to change any time soon. Moreover, it isn't only reflected in real life and films, but also in literature. Look at chick-lit. I've been reading hundreds of comments in blogs and in Facebook from women who say they cannot find a decent romance with a protagonist older than 30! (And even 30 is a bit too long in the tooth these days). But now we have "hen-lit", though not as widely known as chick-lit. Having said this, I believe that this genre is an emerging trend, as women from the baby-boomer period (those born between 1945-1964) are at the peak of their earning power, hence they tend to set the trends.
So, we might be dumped for a younger woman, though we helped our spouses to greater heights, (yes, behind every great man there is an even greater woman); we might be looked upon by our younger sisters as having passed the "use by" date; younger men might want to shag us for the experience (after all, our younger sisters couldn't hold a candle to our sexual expertise), but the young men will sooner or later flock to the babes, along with the older, middle-aged men who've dumped their wives. But I have to say that through all this, we remain strong and independent; we have clarity and focus, we know what we want and we are doing it for ourselves (as the song says). Whereas the men who've dumped us are still wading in their pathetic pool of self-pity, trying to find themselves. And you know what? Eventually, they'll be dumped by the "babes" because they won't be able to keep up. So what will you do when your ex comes knocking at your door to tell you he was wrong to leave you?
I know what I would do. As Diane Keaton tells her ex, who wanted to come back to her, in First Wives Club; she simply says: "drop dead."
 Okay, this is really spooky. It seems that every time I write a novel I am either on the way to fulfilling some kind of unknown or subconscious prophecy, or my life changes in such a way that I start to become like the main character in my novel.
For instance, when I wrote the romantic comedy, The Other Boyfriend (TOB), in 2010, there were certain elements in the story that at the time were mainly fiction but partly based on an old ex-boyfriend. But lo and behold, within months of publishing TOB my marriage broke up and I discovered in my ex-husband aspects of the lying, cheating and thieving person he turned out to be--and which he shared with one of the characters in TOB! Ironically, when I started my first draft of TOB, I hadn't even met my now ex-husband. Yes, I started working on TOB about a year before I met him!
Now, I have just finished writing Playing With The Bad Boys--A Mia Ferrari Mystery; and suddenly, I've started to become more like her: confident, sassy, doesn't suffer fools gladly, assertive, strong, and a whole lot more. Well, I've always possessed these personality traits, but now they have become a lot more pronounced. And what's really strange is that Mia Ferrari works for a hotel group and this is where she stumbles upon her mysteries. Now, only this week, I have started consulting for a hotel group! You see, my bread and butter comes from consulting (this is until I become famous like JKRowling. LOL), and in between my consulting I write.
One of my present clients is a wholesaler and I have been consulting to them for 20 months. But as soon as I finished writing Mia's first mystery I landed my second client, and sure enough, like Mia, I will be working within a group of hotels Australia-wide. So how's that for spooky? I only hope that when I start consulting this coming week I won't stumple upon a dead body, like Mia does in her first mystery!
I know that writers draw from their life experience, but it all starts to get a little weird when something I write about ends up happening in my life at a later stage. On the upside, this sets me to thinking that I should write about winning Lotto! Hmm. Food for thought.
 Wow! I am honoured and humbled that my novel "The Soul Bearers" has not only been getting some rave reviews, but has now made it to Editor's Choice on the Breakthrough Bookstore!I worked long and hard on this novel, which started out by being a screenplay in 1997, and which I adapted into a novel in 2000. After counteless drafts and having worked on it for 13 years, it's fantastic to see that it's getting such wonderful reviews and the recognition it deserves! Now I'm waiting for Robert Redford or George Clooney to come along and buy the film rights to it :-)
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