It seems to me that this past year has turned out to be “the year
of abuse” because this is when I realised that I had been in an abusive relationship. Ironically, I came across many people who shared their own stories of abuse -- mainly about abusive relationships -- and then I started to notice that a lot of my posts talked about abuse, especially my last two posts. So something that was working at a subconscious level was trying to push it's way into the light.
I want to draw your attention, however, to my last post, where I
explored the question of whether people would think less of a woman than of a man if she spoke out about abuse. Up to that point, I believed that this was so.
Having experienced all sorts of negative reactions from certain people when I related my story to them (especially men); I became convinced that if a man talked of his story of abuse, people would listen more closely. They would take notice! But now I find this is not true; and it took one man to disprove my belief.
My guest today is author Jan L. Frayne, and he speaks out about his own harrowing story of abuse; and though he’s a man, he has also encountered the selfish, the self-centered, the frightened, the biased, or simply the ignorant type of people who wouldn’t know “empathy” even if they bumped into it.
Over to Jan now! And thank you, Jan, for speaking out and sharing your story with the rest of the world.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ACCOUNT MAY UPSET SOME READERS.
of abuse” because this is when I realised that I had been in an abusive relationship. Ironically, I came across many people who shared their own stories of abuse -- mainly about abusive relationships -- and then I started to notice that a lot of my posts talked about abuse, especially my last two posts. So something that was working at a subconscious level was trying to push it's way into the light.
I want to draw your attention, however, to my last post, where I
explored the question of whether people would think less of a woman than of a man if she spoke out about abuse. Up to that point, I believed that this was so.
Having experienced all sorts of negative reactions from certain people when I related my story to them (especially men); I became convinced that if a man talked of his story of abuse, people would listen more closely. They would take notice! But now I find this is not true; and it took one man to disprove my belief.
My guest today is author Jan L. Frayne, and he speaks out about his own harrowing story of abuse; and though he’s a man, he has also encountered the selfish, the self-centered, the frightened, the biased, or simply the ignorant type of people who wouldn’t know “empathy” even if they bumped into it.
Over to Jan now! And thank you, Jan, for speaking out and sharing your story with the rest of the world.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ACCOUNT MAY UPSET SOME READERS.
I am a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse and "torture". I was also sexually assaulted at the age of seventeen. I have deep emotions; I cry when I see beauty and pain in the world. I am a man, yet I don't fit in with what is perceived by the majority as "masculine".
That used to really bother me. I felt different from other men I knew. I was not a good mixer as a child, and had no positive male role model to look up to. When puberty struck, my new hair was removed by the abusers. Stress-induced alopecia in my late teens, combined with having my pubic hair pulled out, left me with a mostly hairless body; and with what hair was left to me, it was patchy. I felt "less of a man" for so many reasons. During therapy at the age of nineteen, I remember asking for male hormone replacement treatment in the hope it would force more body hair and "make me a man"... I was refused.
Society’s expectations can cause a great deal of damage. I liked the gentle, peaceful things. I enjoyed gardening and cooking. I loved to read. I wrote poetry. I was used to taunts of "Queer!" or "Gay Boy!" So much so, that combined with the emotional and physical scars of the abuse, I was totally confused about my sexuality.
I have always known that I was abused, but I did not remember the full details until a year ago. When I mentioned what I did remember, I would get skeptical looks, and I lost some friendships. The loss was theirs, not mine. I told my sister when I was sixteen. She called me a twisted liar. I told a therapist during a hospital stay two years later and was told I must have enjoyed the experiences. Society expects men to be strong and silent. Put up, shut up, and get on with life... The stigma surrounding male survivors is very damaging.
Millions of men are the silent victims of childhood abuse. The side effects of abuse can be very damaging and crippling if left to fester. Some obviously cope better than others. Suicide rates are higher in abuse victims. The support needed by victims is simply not available in so many cases.
Unless we can remove the stigma, shatter damaging stereotypes, and stop the prejudice, society will
continue to walk past those living in the shadows who are unable or afraid to step into the light and seek and be given the sympathetic, life affirming, healing support they so need.
I care about people, sometimes more than is good for me. I am prone to putting what is in my best interest aside should that have a negative impact on those around me. I have learnt to protect my personal boundaries better than I used to; and I am no longer the doormat I was in my twenties and early thirties.
I don't have all the answers. I am not a doctor or therapist. I'm "Beyond Survivor"; a man that has, and always will, walk the road to healing. I hope that by sharing my experience I can help enlighten society and also be a guide to some of the shattered souls whose lives were ripped apart by abuse.
We live in a social media world with superb communication that crosses continents in milliseconds. There has never been a better time to reach out and touch millions of minds, to educate and to show
there is no shame or blame attached to being a victim of sexual abuse. Whilst the Internet has given
pedophiles a bigger audience, it is a known fact that there are many more victims than perpetrators out there. It's time to turn the tables and take the power away from the abusers.
Survivors United, male and female, we can, and we will, make a difference!
If you would like to connect with Jan or his book, you can find him at these links:
Blog
Amazon UK
Amazon US
Facebook
That used to really bother me. I felt different from other men I knew. I was not a good mixer as a child, and had no positive male role model to look up to. When puberty struck, my new hair was removed by the abusers. Stress-induced alopecia in my late teens, combined with having my pubic hair pulled out, left me with a mostly hairless body; and with what hair was left to me, it was patchy. I felt "less of a man" for so many reasons. During therapy at the age of nineteen, I remember asking for male hormone replacement treatment in the hope it would force more body hair and "make me a man"... I was refused.
Society’s expectations can cause a great deal of damage. I liked the gentle, peaceful things. I enjoyed gardening and cooking. I loved to read. I wrote poetry. I was used to taunts of "Queer!" or "Gay Boy!" So much so, that combined with the emotional and physical scars of the abuse, I was totally confused about my sexuality.
I have always known that I was abused, but I did not remember the full details until a year ago. When I mentioned what I did remember, I would get skeptical looks, and I lost some friendships. The loss was theirs, not mine. I told my sister when I was sixteen. She called me a twisted liar. I told a therapist during a hospital stay two years later and was told I must have enjoyed the experiences. Society expects men to be strong and silent. Put up, shut up, and get on with life... The stigma surrounding male survivors is very damaging.
Millions of men are the silent victims of childhood abuse. The side effects of abuse can be very damaging and crippling if left to fester. Some obviously cope better than others. Suicide rates are higher in abuse victims. The support needed by victims is simply not available in so many cases.
Unless we can remove the stigma, shatter damaging stereotypes, and stop the prejudice, society will
continue to walk past those living in the shadows who are unable or afraid to step into the light and seek and be given the sympathetic, life affirming, healing support they so need.
I care about people, sometimes more than is good for me. I am prone to putting what is in my best interest aside should that have a negative impact on those around me. I have learnt to protect my personal boundaries better than I used to; and I am no longer the doormat I was in my twenties and early thirties.
I don't have all the answers. I am not a doctor or therapist. I'm "Beyond Survivor"; a man that has, and always will, walk the road to healing. I hope that by sharing my experience I can help enlighten society and also be a guide to some of the shattered souls whose lives were ripped apart by abuse.
We live in a social media world with superb communication that crosses continents in milliseconds. There has never been a better time to reach out and touch millions of minds, to educate and to show
there is no shame or blame attached to being a victim of sexual abuse. Whilst the Internet has given
pedophiles a bigger audience, it is a known fact that there are many more victims than perpetrators out there. It's time to turn the tables and take the power away from the abusers.
Survivors United, male and female, we can, and we will, make a difference!
If you would like to connect with Jan or his book, you can find him at these links:
Blog
Amazon UK
Amazon US
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