 I don't about you, but I believe that when a woman talks about abuse (especially in a relationship) or how her spouse/partner cheated on her or left her for a younger woman or didn't support her during an illness, or whatever the case may be, this woman tends to be labelled as "a woman scorned" or a "vindictive bitch" or some such name, and then she's told to "get over it". This kind of reaction, however, tends to be different when a man talks about it, although not many do. Perhaps it's the good, old social conditioning that comes from "little boys don't cry", and not the fact that they are any stronger emotionally than women. Who knows.
But why is it that women get labelled? Do you think the woman is making it up in order to gain sympathy or because she's truly vindictive and wants the whole world to know that her ex is (pardon the expression) an asshole? And do you stop to imagine yourself in her shoes, and actually apply that very little-used emotion called empathy or do your eyes glaze over and you space out?
I speak from personal experience when I see people switching off from someone who has been abused or cheated on or dumped; and men tend to switch off a lot more often. Why do you think this is? And would you agree that it's mostly men rather than women who exhibit this behaviour, or do you think it's a bit of both? I guess your own personal experience will be a big factor here.
I believe it is fear that makes people turn away. Fear of being confronted by something that isn't pleasant; and a lot of men hate confrontation, especially the emotional kind. I find that only people who have suffered themselves will be more caring and compassionate when they meet someone who is suffering. I believe that men turn away more than women do because they feel they must mask their fear; having said this, I have come across some wonderful men who've actually showed empathy. So don't get me wrong, I am not man-bashing. I am simply interested in the dynamics of it all.
The other thing I discovered is that men tend to label women more readily, even when they were the ones who committed adultery or the abuse of another. This is simply a case of justifying their actions and/or guilt.
What is your opinion? And when you come across someone who is suffering in some way (whether you're a man or a woman), do you stop and empathise with them? Do you listen? Do you care, even a little? Do you hurt along with them? Or do you run a million miles in the opposite direction hoping you'll find cover?
You know, it's not what we say to someone when they hurt; it's what we do (and often what we don't do) that truly identifies those of us who are empathetic beings and those who are selfish, self-centered and have a lot to learn.
Oh, and for those who do not know the meaning of the word "empathetic" (like my ex), here is a definition: Someone who is empathetic has the ability to share another person's feelings or emotions as if they were their own. Ouch! Now I wonder if I'm going to be labelled as a bitch :-)
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 My guest author today is Joanna V. Hunter, and her book “But He’ll Change”. Joanna is the last of my featured authors from my now-discontinued blog-show, The Lit Chick Show.
When I started preparing this last Lit Chick Show blog post, I thought I was going to be featuring another author of fiction. Therefore, it was not only surprising but fitting for me that as I came to the end of my list of authors to feature, I should come across the eye-opening message Joanna conveys in her interview. A message that rocked my world. I had
been living with abuse but didn’t know it!
Joanna explores the dynamics of domestic abuse, violence awareness, and the damage this wreaks on the innocent, loving women who think that “he’ll change”. This is a book that I have added to my reading list.
Before you watch the video with Joanna, I want to share some points from my own experience. You see, abuse doesn’t have to be physical--it can be emotional; as was the case in my own marriage. The scary part was that it never, ever, occurred to me that I was the victim of abuse.
I am a strong person with an assertive outlook, and yet I was in a relationship with a man (I use the term “man” very loosely here) who took away my confidence, self-esteem, and trust in life. I am now discovering that I actually made excuses to justify his behaviour toward me, and I simply came to
accept his treatment of me as “the norm”.
Some of you know my story with the evil ex (as I call him), and others will only have had snippets of my life with this person. The enormity of my situation became clear when I realised that I had lived for seven years with a huge lie. My whole life was a lie with this man; and in the process, I lost myself. I felt abandoned, full of fear, battling with low self-esteem, anxiety and the feeling that I simply wanted to cease to exist.
I managed to get through what is now almost three years or more of emotional abuse and manipulation at the hands of a very sick individual. I never saw it coming in the beginning, as he masqueraded as the most wonderful and supportive of husbands. But when I needed him most, after the death of my mother, and later through my own long-standing illness, he became someone else. He didn’t support me, he abused me emotionally because I was too ill to work, and because I needed to be comforted; and he just didn’t give a damn. He told me to my face that he was fed up with my need of him, and that he refused to put up with my fears about my illness and my condition.
At this point, I seriously considered suicide. I felt abandoned, belittled, unsupported and betrayed by the one I thought would love me till “death us do part”. But the biggest shock came when he finally told me he “had to find himself, as he felt depressed”; and less than two weeks later, he dumped me for another woman. It took me over a year to realise that I had been the victim of abuse, and Joanna’s video confirmed this for me.
So why did I stay with him for so long? Was it fear of loneliness? Was it the fact that he told me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me? (He was still making plans for our lives right up until a few days prior to our breakup)! So after watching Joanna’s video, it sunk in that I really had been the victim of abuse. Only, I didn’t realise it because we normally tend to associate domestic abuse with threats of violence and beatings.
I think Joanna’s message is a very important one. One that all women should be aware of. One that will help us realise that “he’ll never change”. One that will help us move on before it’s too late. In short, one that could save our lives.
I’d like to thank Joanna for sharing her wisdom with us all. She is obviously a woman of substance and courage, and I know you will agree with me.
 For more information on Joanna and her book, you can visit her blog or simply connect with her on Facebook or on Twitter @hunterjv.
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 New Year’s resolution: Find a man who embodies the qualities that I have within myself.
After the recent breakup of my marriage with my very nasty, cheating and lying ex-husband, I have now promised myself that unless I find a man in future who has these qualities I so prize in myself: strength, courage, kindness, supportive, loyal, honest, generous, honourable, forgiving, loving, compassionate, and empathetic; I would rather be alone.
I am done with pandering to the selfish, the self-centered, the dream-robbers, the emotionally-stunted, the cheats, the liars and the thieves!
It's a tall order, don't you think, to be able to find a man like the one I want? So I have a feeling that I will be single for a loooooooooooooong time to come. But you know what they say: “Better to be alone than in bad company.”
CUT TO MUSIC FROM SERIES OF "MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE"
We then hear the following:
"SYLVIA, YOUR MISSION, IF YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, IS TO FIND SUCH A MAN. THIS BLOG WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN 5 SECONDS."
Since my recent marriage breakup, I've been giving a lot of thought to this question. I don't profess to have the right answer, but I have found out that love means different things to different people. Love also changes, and hopefully grows, as we grow and become more mature.
Some of us, however, tend to take love lightly, without giving a thought to the chain reaction we unleash when we hurt another person. This reaction keeps spreading and spreading because of certain actions on our part, and without us even knowing we end up touching others: friends, family, colleagues, even animals and other beings, such as plants. You better believe it: love has a profound effect on us all, and likewise with the reaction we cause.
Now, the choice we make is simple: do we send out a "positive" reaction through our actions or a negative one? I can only share my own experience to answer this question. First and foremost, I learned something very important:
YOU CANNOT BUILD LOVE ON ANOTHER'S MISERY.
 In my life, I always made it a rule not to get involved with anyone, unless they were free to love. I never wanted to be "the other woman", knowing that I was the cause of agony to another woman. Only once did I break this rule, albeit unknowingly at the beginning, but when I knew the truth I ignored it, and much later learned that "you definitely cannot build love on another's misery"; it will always come back to haunt you.
I will cut a long story short on this one: one of my exes told me that he was over his relationship with his girlfriend, and the reason she was still in the picture was because he felt responsible and was now looking after her financially--but that their relationship was platonic. Well, this might have been his view of it. Unfortunately, once I allowed myself to become involved, I found out otherwise. The girlfriend wasn't in a platonic relationship, as far as she was concerned, and she confronted me. I chose to believe him instead of her. I know since then that I caused this woman a lot of pain and agony. In the end, I realised that "you cannot build happiness on another's misery" and I ended up leaving the relationship. Once I left, I called up this woman and asked her to forgive me. I shared with her my side of the story and told her that, even though I believed him, I still ended up hurting her. And for that there was no excuse. I was lucky that she was big enough to forgive me, and I was able to walk away with a clear conscience. Since then, I never made the same mistake again.
 When I met my present husband--yes, legally, he is still my husband. I made sure that he was free to love. What I couldn't do, however, was ensure that his understanding of love was the same as mine, and much to my detriment, this has caused me heartbreak and agony.
When we took our wedding vows (and even before this), whenever I told him I loved him, I meant this:
*I'll be with you for life
*I will love you for richer or for poorer
*I will love you in sickness and in health
*I will never forsake you for another
*I will share all I have with you
*I will grow old with you
*Even if we disagree or have arguments, I will always be willing to work things out.
But when he said he loved me, this is what he meant:
*I will love you as long as things are okay between us
*I will love you as long as you don't get sick and I have to look after you
*I will love you as long as you keep working and put money on the table
*I will only share with you what I want--not everything
*I tell you that I will grow old with you, but I don't really mean this
*I will try not to forsake you, but it doesn't do any harm to keep my eye open in case there is someone better out there
*If we disagree or have arguments, I won't give you a chance to work them out, because by that time I'll have someone else on the side and I will dump you like a piece of garbage.
 And this is exactly what happened. When I was sick, he didn't support me (either emotionally or financially). When I needed him the most, he wasn't there for me. When he got tired of me, he found someone else, and made sure he had her "lined up" before he dumped me. When I begged him to work things out with me, he never gave us the chance. He didn't want to go to counseling; he didn't want to even talk about it. He was already too busy planning his future with his new woman.
Evidently, we all have our own views about love, don't we? For the sake of the seven years I was with him, he didn't even give me one chance to try and see whether we could salvage our marriage.
Since then, I wrote to his new woman and told her that my husband has done this to others before me (I'm number three, as far as I know). So it's obvious that he didn't learn from his mistakes as I did. I never received a response from the woman--not that I expected to--but I see that she has taken his side of the story without even bothering to stop and think how much hurt she has inflicted in my life.
She is certainly not part of what I call "the sisterhood". She is trying to build happiness on my misery. When she met my husband she knew he was married to me, and yet she went along with everything he said. Even before my husband left our home she was already meeting with him, going out with him, flirting with him and planning her life with him.
She has unleashed a chain reaction that she has no idea about: not only has she inflicted hideous and agonizing heartbreak within me, but she has hurt my family, my friends, my colleagues, and all those around me that "were taken in" by my husband and his lies. Now, I know it takes two to tango, and I am not laying all the blame on her doorstep. I mean, she simply went along with what my husband told her.
Having said this, she still had freedom of choice. She could have said "no, I don't want to be the other woman" or "I don't want to be the homewrecker". But she chose to become my husband's partner in crime. She chose to build her happiness on my misery, right alongside of him.
It's obvious that the meaning of love for these people does not hold the words "fidelity" and "honour". They are both selfish and don't care whom they hurt as long as they can be together.
My message to them: YOU CANNOT BUILD HAPPINESS ON ANOTHER'S MISERY. You will one day find that all your lies, deceit, selfishness, etc, will have had such a huge effect on those around you; and even on you, yourselves, that your union will not last. How can it?
By the way, he is still legally my husband, and will be for some time to come.
 They say that it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. Hmm. Let's examine this further.
I think we can all agree that when we first find love (no matter how misguided or blind we are) we feel like our little friend "Super Kitty". We are faster than a speeding bullet, can leap tall buildings in a single bound; we fly through space and everything looks absolutely "f....ckng" fantastic; that is, until we crash! This is when it turns out that the object of our affection has feet of clay. In fact, it would be nice if the object of my affection had cement shoes instead (but that's another story and something for The Godfather to work out).
 So, after the devastation of a breakup and the death of our dreams, we are left feeling a little bit like our friend, The Pink Panther. Oh, just shoot me! And we start asking all sorts of questions: "What did I do?"
(This is a typical one asked, mainly by females. I mean, why should it be our fault all the time?). "Why did he/she leave?" And some of us get the good old: "It's not you, it's me" bullshit. Yes, I got that one from the ex-husband, just 5 minutes before he ran off with his floozy woman from Facebook.
 Okay, so the answer to the question: "Is it better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all?"
The answer: I DON'T FREAKIN' KNOW!!!
And you thought I was going to say something really philosophical, right? Sorry to disappoint you.
All I can say is that while the first phase of love can be as exhilarating as
landing a 747 airplane on your own while being guided by "ground control", and have Bruce Willis in the back of the plane shooting all the bad guys; having your heart broken is like crashing the bloody plane and killing everyone onboard--including Bruce Willis!
Is there a payoff to putting yourself through all this, only to come out bruised and absolutely crushed with disappointment at the other end? Ask the Dalai Lama.
 There is only one thing I am sure about, and it is this; having gone through three breakups with significant others, I've learned the following: *If you’re an author, your writing suddenly gains more depth. *If you’re a woman over 40, you have a higher chance of being killed by a terrorist than finding a real man (I actually beat these odds, you know. I met my ex-husband at 42—but he turned out to be a psycho. Damn. I might have been better off with a cute terrorist!). *You get sick of people telling you that “what goes around comes around”. This means to me that I must’ve done something really terrible in a previous life (or even this one) in order to deserve meeting that #%&@#@ good-for-nothing SOB. After all, why is it that I’m the one suffering? So there is definitely something wrong with this scenario. *Life’s a bitch and then you die :-( *“Eat, Pray, Love”. I tried eating and got indigestion; I prayed, but psycho boy is still alive and kicking; I didn’t find anyone to love yet (remember, I’m over 40!). BUT... and yes, there is a "but": I AM STILL COOL!
What's more intimate? Kissing or sex? More internet dating and more mixed messages and signals. Cat Ryan is confused, but she thinks kissing is more intimate than sex. Remember the movie French Kiss with Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline? Meg thought the same thing. And what about Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus? Well, let's just say that some men are not even from this galaxy, let alone our solar system! LOL. Watch this edition of "Sylvia Says" and find out more.
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