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AUTHOR SYLVIA MASSARA

The trouble with older men

2/19/2012

18 Comments

 
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I was watching First Wives Club last night and I thought that women just can't win when it comes to the "unfair sex", as I call men. For those of you who haven't seen the movie, the storyline is about three 40-something women who've helped their husbands in various ways while they were married; be that to build their business, their career, or bear their children; and then, when life should be sweet, these bastard men dump their wives for younger women.

I really love the part Goldie Hawn plays--she's a 45-year-old actress, begging her plastic surgeon to inject her lips with botox. The doctor tells her that she looks fantastic as she is, and that she should be happy being her age. Goldie replies: "There are three ages in Hollywood: 'Babe', 'District Attorney' and 'Driving Miss Daisy'; now, fill them up!" (She orders the doctor to inject her lips). Later, she's so depressed because she was asked to play the role of a mother in a movie, instead of that of the young protagonist, that she's at a bar getting drunk and talking to Maurice, the bartender. She says to him in tears: "They want me to play Monique's mother, Maurice. Let me ask you, is this the face of a mother?" The bartender says no, at least not his mother's. Then Goldie goes on: "Angela Lansbury is Monique's mother; Shelley Winters is Monique's mother; Sean Connery is Monique's mother..." At this point, Maurice becomes concerned and tells her he'll get her some coffee. But Goldie declines and replies: "No, forget that, Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend--he's 300 and still a stud!"

So what is the message here? That women in their prime (40s an 50s) are being dumped by men after they've been used up. After men have had children by their wives, or built their careers through them, or been introduced to all the right people and climbed their way to the top; suddenly, their wives become a drag. A man, even if he's as old as Sean Connery, has to be seen with a younger woman. Look at the film "Entrapment" where Sean Connery plays a master thief in his 60s, opposite a 30-something Catherine Zeta-Jones! I mean, come on! But this goes back to the days of old, so no wonder older modern women haven't got a chance.

Let's look at some old movies that have set us on the road to perdition. Sabrina--a 22-year-old Audrey Hepburn falling for a late 40s or early 50s Humphrey Bogart; Rebecca, a 20-something Joan Fontaine falling for a 40-something Laurence Olivier, and the list goes on!

But let us also look at real life in the old days of say, Jane Austen, and even hundreds of years prior to this. Young girls of 16, 17, and sometimes even younger, were married off to old guys in their 40s, 50s and beyond. Unfortunately, not much seems to have changed in this so-called age of liberated and independent women. We may not be forced to marry an old codger, but old codgers are still ending up with younger women--and they don't necessarily have to be rich or celebs either!

We may have won the right to vote, we may be breaking through the glass ceiling in the corporate world (though at a slow rate), but one thing we cannot change is this: as men grow older, they are called distinguished and no-one seems to bat an eyelid if he's sporting a 22-year-old on his arm. As women grow older, we are called hags, has-beens, used up, dried up, etc, etc, ad infinitum. And God forbid if we decided to go out with a younger man! Even Demi Moore lost her young beau (or so I heard).

Unfortunately, this is the way in modern society, and I don't think it's going to change any time soon. Moreover, it isn't only reflected in real life and films, but also in literature. Look at chick-lit. I've been reading hundreds of comments in blogs and in Facebook from women who say they cannot find a decent romance with a protagonist older than 30! (And even 30 is a bit too long in the tooth these days). But now we have "hen-lit", though not as widely known as chick-lit. Having said this, I believe that this genre is an emerging trend, as women from the baby-boomer period (those born between 1945-1964) are at the peak of their earning power, hence they tend to set the trends. 

So, we might be dumped for a younger woman, though we helped our spouses to greater heights, (yes, behind every great man there is an even greater woman); we might be looked upon by our younger sisters as having passed the "use by" date; younger men might want to shag us for the experience (after all, our younger sisters couldn't hold a candle to our sexual expertise), but the young men will sooner or later flock to the babes, along with the older, middle-aged men who've dumped their wives.  But I have to say that through all this, we remain strong and independent; we have clarity and focus, we know what we want and we are doing it for ourselves (as the song says). Whereas the men who've dumped us are still wading in their pathetic pool of self-pity, trying to find themselves. And you know what? Eventually, they'll be dumped by the "babes" because they won't be able to keep up. So what will you do when your ex comes knocking at your door to tell you he was wrong to leave you?

I know what I would do. As Diane Keaton tells her ex, who wanted to come back to her, in First Wives Club; she simply says: "drop dead."


18 Comments
Rolando link
2/19/2012 17:39:47

Sorry to disagree but I don't know what you are talking about. My wife and I are "over the hill" but we are still happily married and I love her as much as ever. All the couples I know (friends and acquaintances) are in the same situation. I don't know to what extent this issue you are addressing is exclusively a "Hollywood thing" or a "millionaire thing." In any case, what guy in his right mind would exchange a loving wife for a hot young thing who is only interested in his money? Doesn't seem very smart to me.

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Sylvia Massara link
2/22/2012 00:35:15

Rolando, don't know if you saw my reply. I think I typed it as a separate comment, rather than a direct reply to your comment. Please see what I wrote on the comment following this one.

Cheers, Sylvia

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Sylvia Massara link
2/22/2012 09:56:19

Rolando, if only my ex-husband could learn from you! I'm sure a lot of women would agree with me :-) And if you know any single "gems", please let me know. LOL

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Sylvia Massara link
2/19/2012 23:16:29

Rolando, you are obviously a jewel and I am so happy that there are some men out there who value their wives, as you do yours. I only wish the many, many, many women I come across and talk to, including myself, would have such fortune as to find a loving and loyal man.

Having been in a long-term and faithful relationship, you have been very lucky then not to have been exposed to the various online dating sites where men (and even women) say one thing and mean another; where married men ask for discreet affairs because they are bored with their wives (yes, I came across many of those); then, there are men like my ex-husband, who dumped me because I was ill and ran off with someone younger, albeit not a babe; and I know of hundreds of women (if not thousands) who've gone through horrific experiences with their spouses, and who in the end left them for younger women. These men were not rich and they were not celebs.

You and I move in different worlds, but it's so nice to know that some men out there are "the real thing". Thank you for writing in :-) and for restoring some of my lost faith.

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Nicole Chardenet link
2/21/2012 21:20:55

Younger women can *have* older men. They're still naive enough to buy all that "mature older man" BS. Fact is, which you don't realize until you get to be a certain age, is that men get *more* immature as they get older, but it's easier to fake maturity with kids. So if you're hell-bent on shagging immaturity, at least get a nice set of abs and a full head of hair out of it - and no need for a little blue pill just to *think* about getting it up :)

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Sylvia Massara link
2/22/2012 00:33:57

Hey Nicole, this doesn't tell us where that leaves the older woman. You're simply giving advice to an older guy. Have you read Rolando's comment above? He's one of the few gems left on the planet!

In any case, what advice do you have for us older women who get dumped for the babes?

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Rolando link
2/22/2012 03:25:46

Thank you for your "gem" comment Sylvia. I told my wife and it made her smile. However, like I wrote in my post, I know many many couples that are still happily married. It's maybe like you say that we move in different worlds. Marital life being boring is to me a poor excuse. There are there are myriad of ways of "spicing" it up. And if you really love your spouse you own it to them to try to make it better rather than cheat and risk losing everything.

Nicole Chardenet link
2/25/2012 21:05:26

Since I've never been dumped by a babe I don't know if I should offer advice on it...just to say, though, that what's done is done and you have to look around and try to find someone who's *decent* this time...and I don't know how you can do that. I don't see a lot of virtue in older men, who come with a lot of baggage and many of whom have let themselves go...but I would make an exception for someone if he had at least a little of his s**t together. Still, for "just fun" nothing beats younger men :)

Sylvia Massara link
2/26/2012 00:46:24

C'mon Nicole, you know that if George Clooney asked you out, you'd go like a shot--and he's definitely NOT a younger man! LOL

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Dannye Williamsen link
2/23/2012 01:49:58

Well, I'm not sure where this puts me, but my husband is 15 years older than I am. We married when I was 37, and he was 52. We've been married for 25 years. He's my best friend. I can't imagine his not being in my life. I won't pretend that we don't drive each other crazy at times, but it's all part of the package as far as we're concerned.

Before I met my husband, I was involved in a "jetset" world, and I saw a lot of the types of men and women you're talking about. Most of them were insecure and depended on the admiration of others to feel okay about themselves. I don't think that will ever go away because a lot of people look "out there" for their self-worth.

I believe that a person just needs to learn how to love themselves so that they're not fooled by the types of mates you're describing. It wasn't until I decided that I wasn't going to put up with a "crappy" relationship because I deserved better that I met my husband.

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Sylvia Massara link
2/23/2012 03:58:07

Dannye, as long as your hubby didn't dump someone else to snatch you up, then we'll forgive him. Hehehehe. In this case, you were the younger woman and he was the older man going for a young "babe"; but you must've been the right "babe" for him. I think your story is probably an exception rather than the rule.

I am glad it worked out for you guys! But now he's just have to watch out that you don't dump him for a younger man. LOL.

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Dannye Williamsen link
2/23/2012 04:54:05

No, he and his wife had already filed for divorce and were living in different towns before I ever met him. As for my dumping him for a younger guy, it won't happen. Even if something were to happen to John, I would never marry again. He has been too much a part of my life for me to want to start all over with someone else. No, I would go it alone.

Menopausalmother link
2/25/2012 06:13:51

Hi Sylvia! First I have to say I remember that movie and loved it! Yes, I have known of men like that; men who desperately need a trophy wife to boost their ego and make them feel younger. fortunately, I'm married to a "gem" who treats me with love and respect---been married 28 years. Guess we're one of the lucky few who stuck it out through better or worse!

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Sylvia Massara link
2/25/2012 09:20:12

You are one of the lucky ones? I take it you're both around the same age group? Having said this, many times the age difference doesn't matter. It only matters when the man dumps his wife for a younger woman--a trophy wife/girlfriend, as you've said :-)

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Nicole Chardenet link
2/25/2012 21:06:47

She's one of us! One of us! Gooble-gobble gooble-gobble! <extreme geek reference there> :)

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Rolando link
3/18/2012 05:11:54

One of us!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9C4uTEEOJlM

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Destiny Richardson
6/12/2016 01:46:02

Sounds like a sour grapes essay to me. Oh, well. Whatever. I am, however, shaking my head sadly that the term "older men" in this piece seems to signify a broad generic swath of humanity - practically its own species as if they're all the same, have the same values, desires, lack of wisdom, etc. How is this different from the attitude that all blacks are thugs or that women don't belong in the workplace? It's still painting with a very broad brush, and when you paint with a broad brush you lose the details that prove diversity and dimension. Sorry, but I wouldn't dare publish something claiming that all selfie-snapping young women with the smart phones are brainless ninnies because I know that despite all appearances there's always much much more than what meets the eye.

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Sylvia Massara link
6/12/2016 09:43:46

It sounds to me like you might be in the exception group, Destiny. If so, good for you.

This is not "sour grapes", as you call it; I am simply expressing a point of view.

You may or may not have noticed that most articles and blogs out there are a result of the opinion of their authors. I simply expressed my opinion as I see things through my eyes. I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion; even you.

When I refer to men or women, younger, older, or whatever, I'm doing so from the point of view that "generally speaking" this is what I have noticed. I am well aware there are many exceptions out there. This is not a news item or a scientific paper that requires statistics; it's a blog post that expresses my viewpoint as I, and many others I know of (and who have experienced it), see it.

The fact that I "dare to publish" this is really my own business. After all, it's my blog post; it's my opinion; and last time I looked I still lived in a country where freedom of expression is permissible. So just as you express your opinion, I express mine.

Thank you for your thoughts; and if you want to talk about tarring people with the same brush and bring into this racial or gender attitudes and biases, I would advise you stick to politics and real life news.

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    Sylvia Massara is an Australian author who is passionate about animal rights, climate change and  saving our planet, plus the right of individuals to choose DIY euthanasia.

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